High Holiday Theology: an Orthodox Perspective

The Duality of the Yamim Noraim by Lior Baker

The Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) for me are a time of celebration, happiness, solemnity, and burden. As the Gabbai of a minyan, I tend to feel more of the solemnity and burden than I do celebration and happiness. I spend most of my time leading up to each Yom Tov preparing the prayer space, making sure we have a Chazzan (cantor) for each part of davening, and running around like a headless chicken throughout making sure that everyone knows when and how to do their part. Most of the time that others get to spend dancing on Simchat Torah and Shmini Atzeret, I am still on the job ensuring that we get to places in proper time and that those carrying the Torah’s are doing okay. Especially while I have to ensure that every man gets a chance to be called upon for an aliyah, most everyone else gets to participate in a fun activity prepared by others.

Due to the nature of my position, I find myself worrying more about the minyan itself than focusing on my prayers, which makes me feel guilty that I am not focused as I should be. I worry that G-d is disappointed that I am not focused, and I also feel sad for myself that I don’t get to participate in the practice. Due to this, the intent I pray with during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur feels very heavy and cumbersome. Throughout those two holidays specifically, I feel very weighed down by all the talk of repentance and “returning to G-d” and that my fate is being written and sealed. I worry that I have not been able to do a good enough job not only as a Jew, but as a Jewish leader in my community, that I have not helped those around me enough in their Judaism.

Contrarily to how I feel in the short term throughout each minyan, I long term feel more connected in my relationship with G-d. Not only do I feel happy that I get to support so many other people in their relationship with The Almighty, but it makes the times that I do get to focus and meditate through my prayers all the more so meaningful to me. As much as I love to Kvetch about my position, I am happy that I took on the responsibility and would have regretted not accepting the offer to lead my community. 

The next thing on my mind throughout the holidays are the different ways throughout Tefillah in which G-d is portrayed: Father, Judge, Our King and the King of kings, the Redeemer, etc. 

The biggest prayer I think of with these aspects in mind is Avinu Malkeinu - Our Father Our King. This prayer strikes me as particularly odd because of the dual nature of thinking of G-d as our father and king, two very different ways of viewing such an important existence in our religion. When I think of G-d as my father, I view him in a loving, caring capacity. Whereas when I think of G-d as my king, I view him as awesome, authoritarian, and a master of all. The two mindsets thus being melded into one for this prayer often gets very hard for me. Although I understand why we must combine the two - the two commandments to both fear and love G-d - it is hard for me to feel both in equal capacities at any given time. In order to view him in either manner, I must think of ways I feel love or fear, which I do not ever feel at the same time regarding one person in any other aspect of my life - G-d is the only person who requires such a state of mind from me.

The way I most commonly view G-d on my day-to-day basis, however, is as a judge. Especially as a Modern Orthodox Jew where I try to balance the commandments with a modern world, I always view something in a manner of “is this something I can be punished for it not?” With all the different rabbinical opinions on how modern technology may or may not be used, I am in a constant state of inner turmoil and confusion regarding whether or not I am doing the right thing.

The aspects of G-d that are the absolute hardest for me to resonate with are G-d as a savior, redeemer, or other rescue-like aspects. Especially because the miracle like aspects of redeeming or saving are always mentioned as in the past - like the Exodus from Egypt or conquering the land of Canaan - or are mentioned as in the future - like the coming of Moshiach and the Third Beit Hamikash. As someone not living physically in either of those eras (although I hope for Moshiach to come quickly and in my lifetime), it is hard to view G-d based on the memories of my ancestor or of possibly my descendants.

All of these thoughts come together as I meditate through the High Holiday season. Although I never am able to come to any complete resolution, I believe that the grappling and turning in my mind are proof that I am working through my thoughts during these times as I should be.

Lior Baker is a third-year undergraduate at Brandeis University studying Chemistry and Biology. He is originally from Stoughton, MA. He serves as the Engagement Coordinator of the Brandeis Hillel Student Board and the Gabbai Rishon of the Brandeis Orthodox Minyan.